Although I’m still processing most of my experiences from my aya ceremonies and will keep many close to my heart, my desire is to share some of my experiences as I believe the lessons I’ve learned can also benefit others. My first ceremony was an intense experience, yet transformative. My mind, body, and spirit were engaged in meaningful ways. As I reflect on the experiences and the ways in which my body was engaged while under the medicine, aside from the expected purging, what was most noticeable was my heightened senses. For me, my hearing was operating at full force! It didn’t help that I forgot my earplugs and didn’t think of asking for a pair (lesson learned), but residing in a choza sitting a few feet away from the riverside in the depth of the rainforest may have been my saving grace. I can’t help but be appreciative of the physical preparation and continued integration of my experiences.

So yeah, about that moment when I thought it was my time to check outta this joint…

One of the sounds I heard clearly throughout my time under the medicine was my heartbeat. It was a bit scary at first because it was so loud. Eventually, I got used to it, and it was reduced to background noise. As the medicine began to kick in a bit more and I began journeying, my body felt heavier, like I was sinking in clay. While I continued to hear my heartbeat, over time I noticed my arms became so heavy that moving my blanket to cover and uncover my head became an increasingly difficult task. At one point I managed to cover my head once more, and shortly thereafter I entered another vision. While deep into that vision, I noticed I no longer heard my heartbeat. I recall asking myself where my heartbeat went, and did I die? Chiillleee, I couldn’t even be fully present in that particular vision. I could barely open my eyes and could barely lift my arms to check my pulse. I eventually managed to lift my hand to check my pulse but couldn’t locate it. At some point my limbs became too heavy to lift, so I stopped trying to find my pulse and let them be. What I noticed at that moment was that I didn’t begin to panic internally in the same ways I did during previous encounters of seeing my life flash before my eyes. This particular moment of surrender was cathartic for me. I continued in the vision, and at that point, I resolved that my demise wouldn’t be the end but just another chapter of my being. My belief in that moment continues to resonate with me as I have come to believe that since living beings are energetic, when our physical bodies no longer function, the energy will live on elsewhere. The fear of my own demise was nowhere to be found; neither was the fear of what would happen to me thereafter. 

What happened further throughout the ceremony was when things got real. When faced with the responses of the intentions I set for this ceremony, I was met with an overwhelming sense of fear. I had an opportunity to explore the depths of my subconscious, and your girl was shook! This is when I discovered I was, in fact, afraid of the dark.

Up until that point, I didn’t consider myself one to be afraid of the dark, as I believed I was beginning to be comfortable in it. Considering the ways of the world, can you blame me? Yet, it wasn’t until I was faced with my own dark spaces that I realized I was indeed fearful of navigating that space freely. Being curious about my beliefs around darkness was where I focused my attention. Although it is not a belief I profess, I realized I didn’t completely uproot internalized messages of darkness being conflated to the danger of uncertainty, being lost, and evil. I came to understand those limiting beliefs manifested my need to control and manipulate situations to regain a sense of safety. I became even more curious as to why the message of darkness couldn’t be perceived as a space beneath the surface where expansion is supported. The roots of a life-giving plant or a seed being supported by the nutrient-rich soil would be a better way of relating to the concept of darkness. This very darkness can also be likened to the enclosed space of a womb preparing life to enter the world. To be confronted with the truth that I was afraid of the depths of who I am was both temporarily infuriating and liberating. My desire is to truly embody a more progressive perspective of darkness.

In preparation for my second ceremony, I set the intention to also be shown the tools to uproot my fears. Fast forward to post-retreat, I was reminded of the interest I have in understanding my birth chart and was called to take a deeper dive into my placements. While I do not believe in coincidences, being made aware of my Pluto complex in my chart during the Winter Solstice was wild. Through a metaphysical lens, Pluto is the planet of death and rebirth; its presence is that of deep transformation through exploration of the subconscious. If I desired to live my life fully and align with my purpose, I would need to go to the depths of who I am, because that’s where the transformative healing power and essence of who I am are found. To know that I was only scratching the surface of knowing who I am beyond my wounding was both frustrating and motivating. Nevertheless, I am committed to the process, and I need not be afraid.

I’m reminded of the 23^rd chapter and fourth verse of the book of spells Psalm that says, “Even though I walk in the darkest valley, I fear no evil, for you (The Most High) are with me, your rod and staff (guidance, strength, and loving kindness)—they comfort me.” I’m committed to the notion that what is faced in the dark will come to light as a transformed and good creation, and there’s nothing to be afraid of. This is where our power resides and where living our most authentic lives begins.